Life is a spark. It glows in many different colors and shapes. Some can be a forest fire, affecting not just itself or others…but the world. It changes ideas, customs, or beliefs. A similar spark of life may be more humble, it doesn’t affect the world but those around it in a comforting campfire. Then there are some who, unlike a forest fire that helps a forests’, destroys in an eruption of lava. Changing in not always…a good way.
Each spark of life is unique and affects the world no matter how small it may be. Some sparks live a long time, as a candle that was made to last for days on end. Sparks may flicker and dim, while others get a gust of wind and vanish into smoke. There are sparks that are purposely or accidentally quenched. The spark that originally sat on a candlestick was lost forever, never to return.
We all read about death…we all have seen movies with death…but a video…or a personal encounter with death is not something we expect. It is sudden, brutal, and changing. It is witnessing a spark going dimer and dimer tell it is all gone. A spark that is no more.
I believe I was fifteen when my eye’s started to open past my home…past my family…past school…and into the world around me. You don’t all of the sudden pay attention to the world. It is a slow process from when we are young to when we grow older. My eyes were not all the way open..it was partially closed and young…innocent to the way of death. I have killed…I swat at flys, I have stomped on ants…I have tortured poor little frogs. And as I grew older I noticed the spark of life. I started to feel bad for all the life I took, the cows I ate, to the bugs I stomped. I realize that to preserve a spark, a spark may be taken…that spark becomes the spark of another. It is a sad realization but an honest one at that. It is an honest death.
Some death though is not honest. As I witnessed at fifteen on a small computer screen…A death of a black man, chocked to death by mutable cops. Crying out he could not breathe…I have never seen death…I didn’t watch the news tell then… Once I did watch the news…All I saw was death…more death…and unjust death…all these sparks were being quenched for no reason at all.
The first time I saw a spark being taken, I felt my heartbreak in two…Here was a spark, taken unfairly by cruel hands…I cried for days unused to such a sight, it plagued my memories and dreams. I had felt empty and at lost for words. I soon convinced myself, it was a rare thing…unjust death…How wrong I was.
Years have gone by and I watched school children mowed down by sickening men with guns meant to kill. I watch as they were said to be ill, mentally insane. Yet as I hear and watch them kill five to more poor children then sent away as mentally ill. I watch at the same time black men, women…minority men and women who killed for less. Not said to be mentally ill. I watch over and over again as sparks vanish under the hands of white men and women who are all, in the end, said to be mentally insane…
My innocents have been taken from me. My heart soiled. My mind is new.
I watch helplessly…angry now rather than scared, I feel as if a tornado of fire is blazing inside of me. It twirls and spins faster and faster burning inside. I taste ash with each video, I smell sulfur and smoke. The bright light of hatred has burned away at my retinas.
It is killing me this fury, a fury of unjust. I hate this circle. A circle of death and unfairness.
I’m sixteen watching the debates over gun control, and the black lives matter. I cheer thinking…this is a chance…a chance those sparks were not lost without meaning. Their loss of sparks is a sad thing but it has brought this…a chance for future sparks to lie untouched by unjust death. I watch happy, feeling joy at the thought of an ending to this circle.
I don’t believe cops should be persecuted, NO that is wrong in its own way. But I also believe that narcissistic, or scared cops should not be hired. ONLY good men and women who are there for their community should be cops, not children with guns. I also believe that cops should be trained in unarmed combat, they should have the ability not to use their gun, and still be just as effective bringing in criminals. I know it is much but it is necessary for more pay, breaks, and training because narcissistic or scared cops are killing people. While the good cops say nothing.
I believe in gun control because people with AK-forty-sevens and the like are holding guns that can kill many people in split seconds. I don’t know my guns but shouldn’t a hunting rifle, or a small pistil be enough… You don’t need all these large military designed weapons that are meant to kill en masse. These weapons are to end lives and not meant for protecting your home, or your person. You may say, “The second amendment is for the freedom of my rights to bear arms.” Yes, I do see your point……The constitution is a breathing living document though. It is meant to change with time, and when the second amendment was first created there weren’t super-powered guns, there were single-shot inaccurate guns. Today a single person can kill twenty people in just seconds.
I am just tired of unfair death.
I am seventeen…and I feel dirty…no longer am I just a sweet little girl, I am an aged woman. Someone who is entering an unfair world of death. I hate guns…I hate death. I want gun control, I hope black lives matter works. Not just for blacks but for all minorities, Mexicans, Native Americans, Asians…all who are not white…men…
I feel dirty writing this down as I notice, it sounds like I am complaining and crying like a child who has lost a toy…Yes, I suppose I am…I am crying and complaining because I have lost my innocents. I am now numb to the bone, today I watched another black kid get shot…A black mother holding her precious child close… murdered…and I felt…nothing.
The anger is gone, the fear is misplaced. As I watched, I saw the same thing over and over again. It was all the same, just different sparks under different situations. How am I to feel anything when it is a pattern, a circle we see, and try we might it seems as if others are holding onto this circle…of an unjust death. Sour is my mouth, tired is my heart beating the same beat every day…A spark…isn’t it special. I am a dirty spark who wishes for change, in myself and others.
I am a white…autistic…lesbian…women…I have no idea what minorities feel because, even though I am a Mutt of America, I look European. I may be able to understand the difficulty of women’s rights…of people with disabilities…of the LGBT community…but of minority races…I have little idea of what they are truly going through.
I do know…I am now a dirty flame, wishing to find that spark to set a forest fire though out the world…with my writing, a voice of my own…to change the world and leave a ground of burned nutrients for the younger generations to come.